You Should Know I Need Help: Why We Sometimes Expect Others to Just Know

Have you ever thought:

Surely they can see I'm struggling.

Surely they know I need help.

Surely they could just step in.

It can be frustrating when you feel like you're carrying too much and the people around you don't seem to notice.

But there's something we don't always consider:

The other person may not actually know what you need.

They might know you're busy, stressed or struggling, but that doesn't necessarily tell them what would be helpful.

They may not know what needs to be done, what's most important, what can wait, what you want them to take over, or even how you want them to help.

When two people both feel they're doing more

I often see this in relationships.

One person feels like they're always doing more. They look around and see everything that needs to be done — the meals, the washing, the appointments, the planning, the things that need remembering.

They see the mental load of what needs to happen next.

The other person may genuinely feel they are doing their share. They might be thinking about the hours they work, the things they do when they get home and the responsibilities they take care of.

Both people can walk away from the same situation feeling:

“I'm doing more than you.”

And neither necessarily feels that the other person understands their perspective.

The same thing can happen outside intimate relationships.

A teenager might feel that their parent should know when they're overwhelmed.

A parent might feel that their teenager should know what needs to be done without being asked.

A friend might expect someone to notice they're struggling.

At work, an employee might feel that their manager should recognise that they're overloaded. A manager might assume that if something is becoming too much, the employee will say so.

Everyone is waiting for someone else to notice.

“I need help” doesn't always tell someone how to help

Sometimes we do ask for help, but the request is so broad that the other person still doesn't know what we need.

“I can't keep up.”

“I've got too much going on.”

“I need some help around here.”

“I can't do everything myself.”

These are valid expressions of frustration. But they don't necessarily tell the other person what they can actually do.

Perhaps what would help is:

“Could you take care of dinner tonight?”

Or:

“I need an hour to myself when I get home. Could you take care of things during that time?”

Or at work:

“I've got three things due this week and I can't realistically complete all of them. Can we work out which one needs to take priority?”

That's a very different conversation.

You're not expecting the other person to take over everything.

You're giving them enough information to understand how they can help.

Why don't we just ask?

For some people, asking directly can feel surprisingly difficult.

We might think we shouldn't have to ask.

We might believe that if someone really cared, they would notice.

We might worry that asking means we're incapable.

Or we might be so overwhelmed that we don't actually know what would help ourselves.

Sometimes there's also a history behind it. Perhaps you've become used to just getting things done yourself. Perhaps you've asked before and felt dismissed. Or perhaps you've never really learned how to express what you need.

So instead, we hope someone will notice.

And when they don't, disappointment and resentment can build.

Help can mean different things to different people

One of the things that can get missed is that help isn't the same for everyone.

If I'm overwhelmed, I might want you to take something off my list.

You might think the best way to help is to give me advice.

Someone else might want you to simply listen.

Another person might need some time alone before they can work out what they need.

There isn't necessarily one correct way to help.

That's why communicating what you need matters.

A useful question to ask yourself

The next time you find yourself thinking:

“Why don't they just know?”

Try asking yourself:

“If they did know I needed help, what exactly would I want them to do?”

What needs to be done?

What's the priority?

What would you like them to take responsibility for?

Do you want them to listen, act, give you space or simply check in?

Once you know the answer, it becomes much easier to communicate it.

And the conversation can change from:

“You never help me.”

to:

“This is what I'm struggling with, and this is what would actually help.”

That doesn't guarantee the other person will respond exactly how you want them to.

But it gives them a much better chance of understanding what you need.

Sometimes asking for help isn't about asking someone to do more.

It's about helping them understand what you need from them.

Thinking about counselling?

Chat It Out offers a private, confidential space where adults, teens or employees you can talk things through, be heard without judgement, and explore strategies for communicating what they’re experiencing and what would help.

If you'd like to learn more about my approach, you can also visit my Adult Counselling page or get in touch if you have any questions before booking your first appointment.